Crawford
CrawfordIt’s that time of year again. Time to hang the stockings, buy the Christmas tree, light the yule log, and get your credit card limit raised.
The day after Thanksgiving is when it all begins. After your digestive system has recovered from the first round of holiday gluttony and you have stored the first layer of holiday fat, it’s time to burn it off by going shopping. You will face other battle-hardened shoppers elbowing their way past you, snapping up the latest Black Friday deals; there will be fistfights over shopping carts, and shoppers will be trying to steal the parking space you were so patiently waiting for. It doesn’t get any better than that.
Guys have it bad. They are constantly in a quandary as to what to buy their wives. Wives are always unhappy with the jewelry, clothes, or perfume the husbands spent weeks researching and picking out only to have their wives return it and get what they really wanted. So, for you men out there, I have a sure-fire solution to this year’s conundrum. And I guarantee this is a gift she wouldn’t dare return.
How about a new commode? Nothing says love like a new toilet. And I’m not talking about your typical American Standard, green, energy-saving one either. I mean the Mercedes Benz of toilets; the ones that come with heated seats, automatic flush, deodorizers, Wi-Fi, and even a bidet, so you won’t need toilet paper anymore. (That will come in handy during the next pandemic.) Some even come equipped with a night light so you can see where you’re going; literally. Think about it. Isn’t your wife the queen of the house? Doesn’t someone of such royalty deserve a nice throne to sit on? I guarantee it will make her flush with pride.
These high-tech gadgets are known in industry parlance as “smart” toilets, which aren’t as smart as your phone but are still smarter than most males. They can sense when you’re approaching and lift the lid automatically, flush automatically, deodorize the bowl automatically, and some even clean the seat automatically (in case you miss, guys).
My in-laws have these high-tech contraptions, and it does take some getting used to. Any time you are near the bowl in the bathroom, it senses your presence, and lifts the lid automatically for you as if saluting. That can be both annoying and upsetting. The first time this happened, it scared the crap out of me, but luckily, I was facing the right direction.
Some even come equipped with a bidet feature, but this has its issues too. Say you or one of your guests has tied on one too many at the Christmas party at your house, is gagging on your hideous holiday sweater, and needs to find the washroom quickly. In this case the smart toilet has a built-in cheek recognition feature. It is programmed to discern between the facial kind and the other kind hovering over the bowl, and hold its fire when necessary. That could leave a bad taste in your mouth if it can’t.
And lastly, some of the more difficult smart toilet installations are the ones that run by direct high pressure flushing from the water line instead of water containers on the back like traditional ones. Most customers don’t appreciate the extra hard work it takes to install them. For plumbers, it’s a tankless job.
Joe Crawford is a longtime Alton resident who frequently writes columns for the The Telegraph. He can be contacted at crawfordjo@aol.com.
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